Day 7: The Present. Its In Right Now.

Today, I have made it one week without a cigarette or a beer, and I have run 8.5 miles.

Hell yeah.

(By the way, is it weird that you're reading this while Cesar Milan seduces you with his eyes? Because its kind of weird for me, but that awkwardness just makes me even happier with my photo selection.)

Let me tell you, this is not the first little celebration I have indulged in over the last week. I am proud of myself every damn day for what I'm accomplishing, and I've been treating myself to whatever the hell I want as a reward.

Most self-help literature suggests saving the money you would have spent on smokes (or beer) and buying yourself something you really want after X amount of time.

Eff that. I'm spending that cash now.

Why? Because I don't know what will happen next week, but I know I made it through today.

I'm living in the present. And I learned this from a man who changed my life. Who moved me near to tears. Who brought me to the light...

Cesar Milan.

Yes, laugh all you want, reader, because I just said it and I'm not afraid of saying it again: The Dog Whisperer changed my life.

I don't know if you noticed -- Mike and I sure as hell did, for like eight consecutive hours -- but there was a Dog Whisperer marathon on Animal Planet or TLC or whatever over the holidays. As we now have a dog, this show has suddenly become meaningful and relevant, albeit mostly because we like to talk smack about the crappy dog owners and pat ourselves on the back for not sucking like them.

This one particular episode features an overweight, super-dramatic,woman in her early 40's who lives with her mother -- let's call her Pathetic.

Oh! Wait! Sorry. I meant Patricia. I have no idea what came over me...

Patricia owns a small, yappy, black dog of unknown breed named Dimples (or something equally demoralizing).

Dimples is making it difficult for Patricia to have men over (frankly, I think Dimples is the least of her problems in the romance department, but that's neither here nor there) because Dimples barks at and attacks any man who tries to sit on the bed like he is wearing a mask and carrying a weapon.

Wait a second...

Okay, Patricia's possible kinky bedroom penchants aside, the dog is snapping at men and Patsy's mom.

Cesar to the rescue! He shows up at this woman's house, and meets with Patricia and her mother. The conference before Cesear starts working with the dog, is unbelievable. Mother and daughter do not stop talking for 15 minutes straight, and they are like:

Patty: "Well, if you would just pay attention to the dog, maybe Dimples wouldn't chew your bathrobe into, like, 100 small washclothes."

Mom: "Well, I would pet the dog if it just didn't smell so funny."

Patty: [Sniffles. Reaches for Kleenex.] "You always find the negative in everything I love! Its just like that time I brought Ronald home and you said his ski mask was disconcerting!"

Mom: "I just think its inappropriate for young ladies to be hanging around with convicts..."

Patty: [Sobbing] "I'M NOT A CHILD ANYMORE! GOD! I HATE YOU!"

You get the idea.

Poor Cesar is just sitting there: looking at Mom. Looking at Patsy. Looking at Mom. Looking at Patsy. Looking exactly like a man caught in the middle of some Momma-Daughtah drama: Shocked. Entralled. Cannot pull away from the two trains as they careen closer and closer...

I feel so sorry for him at this moment.

Afterwards, he is interviewed privately and looks like he is still processing the Incredibly Inapproprate Airing of Dirty Laundry. His eyes are completely glazed over and wide as frisbees, and he says something to the effect of:

"I think the dog might be affected by the negative energy in the house."

Ya think? Gee. I was thinking he might just need a change in kibble.

So, Cesar teaches her how to act in a calm, authoritative manner and after only two attempts, Cesar is able to sit on the bed next to Patsy Poo without Dimples going for his good stuff.

Patsy the Pessimist won't shut up about how "Dimples would never do that before" and "Well, Dimples will clearly go right back to attacking my man meat the second you leave the house."

And Cesar says "You need to live in the present. When you live in the past, you expect the past, and you repeat the past. When you live in the present, you enjoy the moments that are good, and you make a step towards future good moments."

::DING::

That is the sound of my internal light bulb going off.

You see, last year had some ups, but it had its share of downs. More downs than usual. I'd go into detail, but the downs are not all about me, so they are not my stories to share. Please just know that it wasn't the easiest year, and that I kind of poured myself a swimming pool of pity and wallowed around in it for the better part of the summer and fall.

When Cesear spoke of living in the present, I realized I had been living in the past. I had been postponing taking care of myself, because I felt I deserved drinks and smokes. I felt I was entitled to them, because life wasn't fair to me.

In hindsight:

Well no effing shit, life ain't fair. Get the hell over it, self.

So on December 31st, I decided to put on my big girl panties, pull my shit together, and move forward by living in the present.

And here we are: Day #7 of living for right this minute. Today I rewarded myself for running 3.5 miles and making it through a Friday without a drink or smoke. I got a pedicure with Sara (aka: Blog Supporter Extrordiaire) and I'm going to have guacamole for dinner. Just guacamole.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, and I don't care about what happened yesterday. Today, I was successful.

And that's worthy of celebrating.

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Post Script:

It occurs to me that you may now be invested in the complex saga of Patsy and Dimples, and that I ought to provide you with the riveting conclusion.

Okay, so Cesar leaves Patsy with strategies for dealing with Dimples the Dick-Hater, and promises to return in a month to check on their progress.

He returns only to find Patsy an even hotter hot mess than when he left her.

Patsy: "Well, I tried your techniques, but they didn't work."

[Read: I kind of tried your techniques, but I am lazy.]

Cesar: [Starting to glaze over again (I think this must be a self-preservation strategy).]

Patsy: "She keeps biting people, so I'm going to either have to put her down..."

Cesear: [Suddenly alert! Alarmed! Eyes like frisbees, again, but now intense! Focused. Shocked!]

Patsy:"... or, I don't know... have you heard of this procedure where they remove the dog's canine teeth?"

Cesar: "Why don't I take your dog?"

Oh praise jesus, because this woman should not own plants, let alone a dog.

Ultimately, the Patsy the Plump forks over Dimples, who is taken to Cesar's rehabilitation center and was completely rehabilitated -- the minute she was taken from Patty's home.

Shocker.

Dimples was adopted and renamed something less terrible by a family who loves her and none of whom own ski masks.

Fin!